(En liten novell av mig)

One night she had enough, she would not let people treat her this way. Yes she was an upper-class girl from a upper-class family. But that doesn't define who she is or how she thinks. You can be whoever you want, you just need to want it enough to make it happen. People judge you, they always will. I believe it´s the fear of not being good enough that makes you judge other people so you can feel better about yourself. We need to learn how to stand up for each other. You can't live without it. Friendship, fear.

The first meeting. You plant it, slowly but surely. The soil is moist. It´s safe. It grows, germinate within you and outside you. It relates to you, it relates to others. If it doesn't get nutrition it dies. But it is also a burden. A heavy burden. You can never stop taking care of it. In time it doesn't need the same attention, but the expectations are always there. I get paralyzed of not knowing how to relate to the expectations. I don't know what I'm expected to talk about, if you are expected to talk to it. Maybe you should talk about what you think it wants to hear. It needs the sun to grow. Anxiety is pure poison. It avoids you and burrow into the ground again, which indicates that it is not authentic. But it is not substantive. There is not only one reality. Friendship, fear.

To truly have close friends you need to be yourself. But it is so easy to put on that mask to fit in. Yes I've done it, many times. I put myself into the line, corrected and folded my belongings. I did not think through my actions, the fatigue may have worn my brain out. No one is perfect. No one could possibly follow all the rules at the same time. it is all so complicated. The sense of group identity really fucks up the world, not always but sometimes. People stop thinking for them self, and it can make awful things happen. Sometimes when you are fed up with trying to fit in you just give up. And so she did. She is not happier, but she feels free. The loneliness is worth being exposed to if it leads to freedom. She has always felt lonely. Not because people doesn't like her, but because they don't understand her. She is smarter than she thinks. Not smart like how many states she can remember or memorizing texts. Smart in a logical way, great at solving problems and coming up with new ideas and understanding people. But still she feels misunderstood.

Waking up, strange feeling. Still and quiet. It's like time stands still. Today I could not fit in to the day. The weekday and everyday things are tearing my brains out. What am I supposed to do, it tingles. No socializing. Waiting for the time, sun is going down. The coffee is cold, it tastes bitter. The smoke from the menthol cigarettes are filling my lungs and poisoning my body. Like the sand in my hands the time runs through my fingers. In the calm loneliness amenity I can't free myself from a insidious fear of the loneliness I don't seek.

Soon it´s time to make an important decision about her future. It is time to think about the pros and cons, choosing path. I'm standing by the window with my cold coffee watching the birds fly over the roofs. I have twenty years of my life behind me and no idea of how the future is going to look. I feel comfortable with my life and in my condo. I like hearing the tram squeaking outside my window, I love just sitting in the sun playing guitar. I don't need anything else. But I'm going to miss you.

I´m in a new period and everything is new, thinking about wonderful friends and a place that made me who I am today. I'm going to miss them and I hope I'm going back there someday. But if I do it will be the old place in a new way. and it wouldn't be the same. It is time to move on. It is time to grow up. Or do we ever?